Hypo-mania – be forewarned, I am using some expletives in this post.

I woke up this morning and was immediately in a bad mood.  I hit the low end of the scale at 6am.  Where to go from there?
I am so totally overwhelmed with rage, it’s terrifying and makes me annoyed that I am in this mood, only to have my mood degrade even more from the annoyance that I am in this mood.

I’m not articulate today, I just want to be left alone.  I need quiet, I need to meditate, I need to cry.  Depression is bad but I’d almost be willing to wager that the rage is worse, god help me if they both show up on my doorstep at the same time.  Being in a mixed mood is dangerous, the depression makes you want to do something drastic and the rage gives you the energy and reason to carry it out to the end.  I’ve been there before.  I am scared of myself during those periods.  I just fantasize about stepping out in front of a truck and finding relief.

The anger is almost uncontrollable at times, and during those times, I go hide so that I’m not affecting anyone else.  I try to.  Sometimes it acts like a fucking rogue and comes from behind and stabs you.

I have been faithfully taking my Respiradone. It’s an anti-psychotic med.  I really wouldn’t want to see me if I wasn’t on meds.  Of course, I probably wouldn’t be here typing this if I didn’t have my meds, I wouldn’t be able to endure that. It’s like you’re suffocating from the weight of your mood.

The worst part of this, I think, is that I have nothing but my illness that I can blame. When people hear that it’s due to mental illness, you get that look, that look that says, “well try a little harder!! Lazy bones!” They think it’s a cop out! An excuse to act poorly. Do they really fucking think that I enjoy this mood?  Do they think that I am doing this for attention.  If I could pull up my fucking boot straps, I think I would be the first person to get off my arse and man handle my mood, until it submitted and went the hell away. No I do not like this mood, no I don’t want attention, I’m an introvert for fucksakes.  I have 2 people in my life that understand and stand by me, my husband and my daughter.  They’ve seen me at my best and my worst.

Last month I was depressed, then I wake up today and see the other side of the beast.  I’ll admit though, it’s be 3 years since I’ve experienced this strength of a mood.  I should be thankful, and I am, but I’m ready for this to go away now.  How long do I have to endure this hellhole? I wouldn’t wish this illness on anyone, but I would like to let people take a peek inside of my head for a day.  Let them see what I go through, let them feel for a few moments the weight of this mood, the rage that seems to ooze out of every pore on me, and see that I am trying as hard as I can, it’s exhausting, trying to live with this and not snap at everyone.  People, unless they have a mental illness, just don’t get it.  I mean it’s getting better, there are more people coming out and finally talking about it, but there’s just enough people that don’t get it that it frustrates the hell out of me.  I do CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) I meditate,  I try to get enough sleep, I work on myself.  I just can’t understand  how people think. They wouldn’t ask someone with a heart disease, or diabetes to just pull up their bootstraps and stop whining.  Why do they do it to all of us sufferers?

I just want to get back into bed, I’ve been up all day, It hasn’t been a good day, I just want a little relief from being me.

Just read a post….

Just read a little blurb about what you shouldn’t say to someone when they are depressed. All of which I agreed with, but what do you do if you are the person who is depressed and the people asking you questions don’t realize you are depressed? Sometimes it isn’t immediately recognizable that you (the sufferer) are depressed, maybe the people think you are just in deep thought or something. What should we as depressed people do? It’s hard to just come out and say to someone, I am suffering from depression. Maybe then they’ll think you’re being melodramatic if you are willing to actually state that you are depressed.
Any ideas on how to let someone in on how you are mentally feeling? I generally say I am mentally and emotionally exhausted, or that my head is acting up, but unless the person knows me well, they won’t get those remarks. How to let someone know you are suffering with depression without making it sound like you are just dying for attention. I know when I am depressed, attention is the last thing I want.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/laraparker/things-you-shouldnt-say-to-someone-struggling-with-depress

Any ideas?

Descending…

My mood has continued to dive down. I am in the stage now where all I want to do is curl up in my bed and watch the world go by. I am not however giving into that. So far! I am able to come up to meet people, and be pleasant, I haven’t lost that yet, but I don’t want to if I don’t have to. I’m mentally tired.
As a result, I am drawing a (hopefully) new series. I am doing a group of drawings around depression… I will attempt to make it positive in some respect.
This is what I have so far…

Depressed

Mood

Mood has descended.  It’s like I can feel my mind seizing up.  It’s becoming less flexible and handling everyday tasks is getting to be very overwhelming.  Little things that ordinarily don’t fizz me are driving me mad.  Trying to work is almost impossible.  I need a break from my own head.  

Fuzzy feeling….

I’ve had some really good weeks with my mood.  I will not lie to anyone about that.  I have enjoyed my moods lately.  But the last few days I feel like my feet are getting a little heavier.  Like I’m wading through thick mud to get anything done.  My head feels like it’s swimming through this mud too.  Maybe it’s fall coming, maybe it’s my husband going back to work, (I really don’t want him to, but life is…) or maybe it’s just me having some mental down time.  I am finding that doing household chores; while normally hard to get myself motivated to do them, lately it’s a monumental task.  Dishes…. who are we kidding, you probably heard me screaming from fear of them all the way from where you are.    I started drawing and painting again… I go in spurts.  I’ll draw and paint like mad and then lose all steam.  Well, I’m picking up steam in that regard, but in all other avenues of life, I feel drained and colourless.  I just want to roll back over and not get out of bed.  
     It’ll pass, it always does, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not a bitch to get through while it’s happening.  I just feel tired and weary.  Words I use often when my depression rears it’s ugly head.
    I’m also not looking forward to my daughter going back to school.  It’ll mean she’s away all day, and I have to make lunches, and I have to get up early in the morning…. ahhhhh!!  I’m not sure when I signed up for this adult thing, but I want a chance to rethink this through… I’m not cut out to be an adult or a responsible parent for that matter.  I fake it as I go.  Somehow it all seems to click into place, but I am still a teenager in my head… rocking out to Nirvana in my plaid shirt….  BOOM!  I’m 35 and a parent, a business owner…. (sure it’s tattoos, but even that feels like work these days!) and I have to be a wife… y’know, like cooking supper (which I will say, when I can make some exotic foods, I am all over that!), cleaning the house, getting back to school supplies.     I just want to head back to bed.  Turn the lights out and pretend no one is home.  I’m tired. 
    But instead I will get my paintings gathered up, to put in some local talent exhibitions.  I will get some things put together so I can go hang out at a local fair and show people my drawings and draw while I talk to them.  My daughter, aka, Accomplice, is going with me to keep me company.  I mean, who wouldn’t want to be this kid’s mom!?!?!  She’s freaking awesome!! And yet I feel tired…. cue the guilt too…. 
     I will come out swinging.  I will defeat my weariness.  I will make sure that I am 100% present for my family.  It’ll just take a little tlc.  
    Remember everyone…. treat yourselves with kindness!!  We all need love from ourselves as well as others!!  
 Cheers!!