Hypo-mania – be forewarned, I am using some expletives in this post.

I woke up this morning and was immediately in a bad mood.  I hit the low end of the scale at 6am.  Where to go from there?
I am so totally overwhelmed with rage, it’s terrifying and makes me annoyed that I am in this mood, only to have my mood degrade even more from the annoyance that I am in this mood.

I’m not articulate today, I just want to be left alone.  I need quiet, I need to meditate, I need to cry.  Depression is bad but I’d almost be willing to wager that the rage is worse, god help me if they both show up on my doorstep at the same time.  Being in a mixed mood is dangerous, the depression makes you want to do something drastic and the rage gives you the energy and reason to carry it out to the end.  I’ve been there before.  I am scared of myself during those periods.  I just fantasize about stepping out in front of a truck and finding relief.

The anger is almost uncontrollable at times, and during those times, I go hide so that I’m not affecting anyone else.  I try to.  Sometimes it acts like a fucking rogue and comes from behind and stabs you.

I have been faithfully taking my Respiradone. It’s an anti-psychotic med.  I really wouldn’t want to see me if I wasn’t on meds.  Of course, I probably wouldn’t be here typing this if I didn’t have my meds, I wouldn’t be able to endure that. It’s like you’re suffocating from the weight of your mood.

The worst part of this, I think, is that I have nothing but my illness that I can blame. When people hear that it’s due to mental illness, you get that look, that look that says, “well try a little harder!! Lazy bones!” They think it’s a cop out! An excuse to act poorly. Do they really fucking think that I enjoy this mood?  Do they think that I am doing this for attention.  If I could pull up my fucking boot straps, I think I would be the first person to get off my arse and man handle my mood, until it submitted and went the hell away. No I do not like this mood, no I don’t want attention, I’m an introvert for fucksakes.  I have 2 people in my life that understand and stand by me, my husband and my daughter.  They’ve seen me at my best and my worst.

Last month I was depressed, then I wake up today and see the other side of the beast.  I’ll admit though, it’s be 3 years since I’ve experienced this strength of a mood.  I should be thankful, and I am, but I’m ready for this to go away now.  How long do I have to endure this hellhole? I wouldn’t wish this illness on anyone, but I would like to let people take a peek inside of my head for a day.  Let them see what I go through, let them feel for a few moments the weight of this mood, the rage that seems to ooze out of every pore on me, and see that I am trying as hard as I can, it’s exhausting, trying to live with this and not snap at everyone.  People, unless they have a mental illness, just don’t get it.  I mean it’s getting better, there are more people coming out and finally talking about it, but there’s just enough people that don’t get it that it frustrates the hell out of me.  I do CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) I meditate,  I try to get enough sleep, I work on myself.  I just can’t understand  how people think. They wouldn’t ask someone with a heart disease, or diabetes to just pull up their bootstraps and stop whining.  Why do they do it to all of us sufferers?

I just want to get back into bed, I’ve been up all day, It hasn’t been a good day, I just want a little relief from being me.


RIP Mr. Williams

As a person who suffers from mental illness, Mr. William’s death has hit close to home.  I have been in situations that I nearly lost the battle as well.  I hope you have now found the peace you have been needing Mr. Williams.   Robin Williams

Moods are a terrible thing.  If they come upon you and you’re not ready, they may cripple you.  My mood has been building for 6 weeks now.  I have bipolar 2 disorder.  I see my psychologist tomorrow and my psychiatrist the next day.  Unfortunately that doesn’t help my poor family that has to deal with my bad and chaotic mood until then.  I am hypo-manic.  Until last week, this meant I was doing more work, drawing more, painting more, taking on more tasks than usual; this week I am too high and am dealing with temper tantrums, mental confusion and inability to cope with problems .  I am finding that every little thing annoys me, my head is not allowing me the luxury of keeping on task long enough to draw a portrait or paint one.  As this is my livelihood, this is a problem.  Not to mention my most important job… I am a mother.  Who cares if I paint or draw?  I am crippled with respect to being as good of a mother as my daughter deserves.  I try, and she reassures me that she is happy with her mommy, but is it a daughter’s role to reassure mommy? Mental illness is a scary thing, we, as the mentally ill, are scared to admit that we are not the model parents that society asks of us, as we are scared of losing our most precious friend, our child or children, but we must be honest.  We must admit that we have our faults.  We are brutally aware of our failings.  I love my daughter with all of my being, and she keeps me from going too far into “unknown” territory.  I have a moral compass now, due to my family.  I am ever grateful to my husband and daughter for making life worth living again.  That’s not to say that I don’t go off course though.  I am still only human.  I will endeavour to live each day as it comes.