Well, I’m stressed to the max. My poor husband is at work not being helped by the person that the company he works for, hired her to do.
My husband spent 12 hours at work yesterday, he works on a commercial farm, got home at 11pm, and was back at work by 6am. There’s an hour drive each way for him to get there and back. The woman they hired to help him lives 10 minutes away and won’t spend a single second past her usual quitting time.
I know, I am not one to speak, my moods sometimes have me sherking responsibility, and maybe this woman is suffering something similar, but when it comes to work, I may not like going, or doing what I need to do, but goddamn it, I damn well do it. I would not be able to live with myself, seeing the person I was hired to help, working 4 hours later than quitting time and knowing that person had an hour drive to get back home when I only lived 10 minutes away. I just don’t understand people. There’s no sense of responsibility anymore.
End of rant!
I’ve had some people writing to me to ask me how I’ve been. I was so touched by this. People I don’t know that reached out. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It made me smile.
Unfortumately, lately, my moods have dipped. I’m semi fine in the morning and by the afternoon I am overwhelmed and by evening trying desperately to find alone time. I’m very fortunate to have a fantastic family to rely on. But even then, I feel like a stick in the mud. Always ruining someone else’s fun as I just don’t have the energy to put on a smile. It doesn’t sound like a hard task, but it’s bloody hellish at times.
Last week for example, my poor husband wanted to go to our local-ish archery club, the whole family shoots, my 9 year old daughter shoots, my husbamd and myself. We have Samick recurve bows. They’re absolutely beautiful beasts. I ordinarily LOVE going to shoot. There’s a LOT of great people there.
Last week, I made myself go, I had not gone the week prior. I figured I would enjoy it once I got there. I was dead wrong. And I ruined it for my husband. I felt awful. This week, it’s every Friday, he’s thinking of not going…. this makes me feel worse.
Some nights I am better and other nights I’m bloody nigh unbearable. I know it’s just a shift, my meds will kick back in soon. I get shifts in mood, not nearly as bad as when I wasn’t medicated, but I still do get those shifts, where everything feels heavy. I know it will pass, but I hate it while it’s dwelling here. I just make sure not to miss any of my medications and hope for the best. Until then, I will be a burden on those around me.
Have you ever gone outside when there is a warm breeze in the middle of summer at dusk? There’s an exhilarating feeling that I get when I go out on an evening like that. I also get that feeling from time to time when my hypomania hits.
Right now, at this very moment I am both relaxed, exhilarated and ready to take on anything while not wanting to do anything as it may detract from the awesome feeling I have. I may draw today. Sit down, listen to some music and just ride the good feeling.
While enjoying this feeling, I am also somewhat hesitant. Is this going to lead into something worse, will the irritation start taking over? Right now everything that comes my way is completely captivating and interesting beyond words. Will this continue and then peter off or will it progress into some mental hell? For my family as much as for me. I will enjoy this feeling, but I will remain vigilant. I’ve not been hypomanic in a long time. It’s an intoxicating feeling. I have been taking my meds like clockwwork, I even have an app on my phone that nags me to take them. Literally, it nags me until I hit the little button that says, “YES! I took the bloody things already!”
I must keep track of my moods, did I mention I have an app for that too? My hypomania starts out feeling like this and quickly descends into a pit of irritation and disgust with the world.
I will watch myself.
Last week was very trying. Not much went right. My daughter got in trouble at school, a kid was kicking her so she grabbed his lunch bag and inadvertantly ripped it, the mother of the kicker was overly dramatic. I told my daughter, instead of grabbing his lunch bag she should have done something else, gone to a teacher. She agreed it wasn’t the smart choice that she chose. I urged my daughter to apologize when she went back to school, which she did, the kicker was supposed to apologize for kicking but didn’t. I brought this up with the mother but she was quite ok with only my daughter expressing an apology. Guess material items are more important than people.
My depression has been rearing its ugly head lately and now I am dealing with my daughter saying she has no friends. People don’t sit with her at lunch unless a teacher directs them to. I may be biased, but my kid is a damn good kid. She sticks up for people if there is a problem, she has no issues with helping anyone, but she still walks a lonely road. She’s a carbon copy of her father and me. It’s going to be a hard path. I’m worried about her, as a mother I want to make it alright. I want to fix everything. There are some things the kids themselves have to do though. I can complain to other parents, but that’ll likely ostracize her even further.
There’s too much going on. My child is lonely, although she has friends here when she’s at home, it’s not the same as having someone to hang with while at school. My depression is back, I’m trying to cope. I am at the moment waiting to be able to see my psychologist again. I need that. Not too far away, but at the same time it feels like it’s taking an eternity. I’m tired. I just want to go to bed and not deal with anything. But that’s not realistic if you are alive. Society doesn’t care when someone is having an emotionally, mentally hard time. There’s no scars to see, so it’s not real. But for those of us that are wiped and exhausted by even the most minute detail in life, it is almost impossible to keep going. And yet we do, how I’m not sure, but we do.
While feeling less than stellar with my moods lately, I have been taking some time and doing some drawing. It’s the least obnoxious thing I can think of doing while not feeling well.
Anyways, I finished my drawing of Adam and Jamie from Mythbusters. It’s not a great pic of the drawing, but there’s so much graphite on the paper that it’s hard to get a pic that isn’t reflecting on the graphite.
So anyways, here it is…
Just read a little blurb about what you shouldn’t say to someone when they are depressed. All of which I agreed with, but what do you do if you are the person who is depressed and the people asking you questions don’t realize you are depressed? Sometimes it isn’t immediately recognizable that you (the sufferer) are depressed, maybe the people think you are just in deep thought or something. What should we as depressed people do? It’s hard to just come out and say to someone, I am suffering from depression. Maybe then they’ll think you’re being melodramatic if you are willing to actually state that you are depressed.
Any ideas on how to let someone in on how you are mentally feeling? I generally say I am mentally and emotionally exhausted, or that my head is acting up, but unless the person knows me well, they won’t get those remarks. How to let someone know you are suffering with depression without making it sound like you are just dying for attention. I know when I am depressed, attention is the last thing I want.
My mood has continued to dive down. I am in the stage now where all I want to do is curl up in my bed and watch the world go by. I am not however giving into that. So far! I am able to come up to meet people, and be pleasant, I haven’t lost that yet, but I don’t want to if I don’t have to. I’m mentally tired.
As a result, I am drawing a (hopefully) new series. I am doing a group of drawings around depression… I will attempt to make it positive in some respect.
This is what I have so far…