Stuck

Woke up yesterday and was fine.  Got the house tidied, sat down and did some reading.  I am exploring different religions.  Quite interesting.  I used to be a Christian but am now an atheist.  I find learning about religion fascinating though,

Around dinner time last night I started to notice I wasn’t feeling well.  After dinner I was worse.  My daughter wanted to play a board game, which I did, but I wasn’t by any means jovial while I did. Last night was the last night for our archery get togethers.  I knew I should go, I love archery and this would be the last chance before the summer shows up, but I couldn’t.  I knew I would just ruin it for everyone else.  So I stayed home.  I didn’t do much.  I went to bed… early. I meditated, I read… I went to sleep.

This morning getting out of bed was the hardest it’s been in forever.  The only reason I did was because I felt bad that I was not hanging out with my daughter,
I’m moody, I’m not happy and I’m not doing well.  This has been coming and going lately.  I put it off as being winter and getting S.A.D. but I don’t know.  I am just stuck.

Monday night my husband and I are going out for the first time in 3 years… and I don’t want to go.  Not because I don’t want to be with him, I love him with all of my heart… I just don’t want to be around other people.  I want to hide.  I’m close to tears just writing that.  I want nothing to do with people.  I want to be left alone.  I don’t want to be responsible for anything or anyone.  I want to hide.

I’m trying to keep up on my meditation and breathe when I feel like this, but I’m losing.  I had an appointment with my psychologist, but she had to cancel. Now I’m worried that she’s ok, as she NEVER cancels an appointment.

I’m trying to motivate myself and interact with others.  It’s not working. If I could go hide for the rest of my life I would do it in a heartbeat.  I’m emotionally and mentally tired.  Exhausted. I don’t know what to do.

Advertisements