I woke up this morning and was immediately in a bad mood. I hit the low end of the scale at 6am. Where to go from there?
I am so totally overwhelmed with rage, it’s terrifying and makes me annoyed that I am in this mood, only to have my mood degrade even more from the annoyance that I am in this mood.
I’m not articulate today, I just want to be left alone. I need quiet, I need to meditate, I need to cry. Depression is bad but I’d almost be willing to wager that the rage is worse, god help me if they both show up on my doorstep at the same time. Being in a mixed mood is dangerous, the depression makes you want to do something drastic and the rage gives you the energy and reason to carry it out to the end. I’ve been there before. I am scared of myself during those periods. I just fantasize about stepping out in front of a truck and finding relief.
The anger is almost uncontrollable at times, and during those times, I go hide so that I’m not affecting anyone else. I try to. Sometimes it acts like a fucking rogue and comes from behind and stabs you.
I have been faithfully taking my Respiradone. It’s an anti-psychotic med. I really wouldn’t want to see me if I wasn’t on meds. Of course, I probably wouldn’t be here typing this if I didn’t have my meds, I wouldn’t be able to endure that. It’s like you’re suffocating from the weight of your mood.
The worst part of this, I think, is that I have nothing but my illness that I can blame. When people hear that it’s due to mental illness, you get that look, that look that says, “well try a little harder!! Lazy bones!” They think it’s a cop out! An excuse to act poorly. Do they really fucking think that I enjoy this mood? Do they think that I am doing this for attention. If I could pull up my fucking boot straps, I think I would be the first person to get off my arse and man handle my mood, until it submitted and went the hell away. No I do not like this mood, no I don’t want attention, I’m an introvert for fucksakes. I have 2 people in my life that understand and stand by me, my husband and my daughter. They’ve seen me at my best and my worst.
Last month I was depressed, then I wake up today and see the other side of the beast. I’ll admit though, it’s be 3 years since I’ve experienced this strength of a mood. I should be thankful, and I am, but I’m ready for this to go away now. How long do I have to endure this hellhole? I wouldn’t wish this illness on anyone, but I would like to let people take a peek inside of my head for a day. Let them see what I go through, let them feel for a few moments the weight of this mood, the rage that seems to ooze out of every pore on me, and see that I am trying as hard as I can, it’s exhausting, trying to live with this and not snap at everyone. People, unless they have a mental illness, just don’t get it. I mean it’s getting better, there are more people coming out and finally talking about it, but there’s just enough people that don’t get it that it frustrates the hell out of me. I do CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) I meditate, I try to get enough sleep, I work on myself. I just can’t understand how people think. They wouldn’t ask someone with a heart disease, or diabetes to just pull up their bootstraps and stop whining. Why do they do it to all of us sufferers?
I just want to get back into bed, I’ve been up all day, It hasn’t been a good day, I just want a little relief from being me.