Hypo-mania – be forewarned, I am using some expletives in this post.

I woke up this morning and was immediately in a bad mood.  I hit the low end of the scale at 6am.  Where to go from there?
I am so totally overwhelmed with rage, it’s terrifying and makes me annoyed that I am in this mood, only to have my mood degrade even more from the annoyance that I am in this mood.

I’m not articulate today, I just want to be left alone.  I need quiet, I need to meditate, I need to cry.  Depression is bad but I’d almost be willing to wager that the rage is worse, god help me if they both show up on my doorstep at the same time.  Being in a mixed mood is dangerous, the depression makes you want to do something drastic and the rage gives you the energy and reason to carry it out to the end.  I’ve been there before.  I am scared of myself during those periods.  I just fantasize about stepping out in front of a truck and finding relief.

The anger is almost uncontrollable at times, and during those times, I go hide so that I’m not affecting anyone else.  I try to.  Sometimes it acts like a fucking rogue and comes from behind and stabs you.

I have been faithfully taking my Respiradone. It’s an anti-psychotic med.  I really wouldn’t want to see me if I wasn’t on meds.  Of course, I probably wouldn’t be here typing this if I didn’t have my meds, I wouldn’t be able to endure that. It’s like you’re suffocating from the weight of your mood.

The worst part of this, I think, is that I have nothing but my illness that I can blame. When people hear that it’s due to mental illness, you get that look, that look that says, “well try a little harder!! Lazy bones!” They think it’s a cop out! An excuse to act poorly. Do they really fucking think that I enjoy this mood?  Do they think that I am doing this for attention.  If I could pull up my fucking boot straps, I think I would be the first person to get off my arse and man handle my mood, until it submitted and went the hell away. No I do not like this mood, no I don’t want attention, I’m an introvert for fucksakes.  I have 2 people in my life that understand and stand by me, my husband and my daughter.  They’ve seen me at my best and my worst.

Last month I was depressed, then I wake up today and see the other side of the beast.  I’ll admit though, it’s be 3 years since I’ve experienced this strength of a mood.  I should be thankful, and I am, but I’m ready for this to go away now.  How long do I have to endure this hellhole? I wouldn’t wish this illness on anyone, but I would like to let people take a peek inside of my head for a day.  Let them see what I go through, let them feel for a few moments the weight of this mood, the rage that seems to ooze out of every pore on me, and see that I am trying as hard as I can, it’s exhausting, trying to live with this and not snap at everyone.  People, unless they have a mental illness, just don’t get it.  I mean it’s getting better, there are more people coming out and finally talking about it, but there’s just enough people that don’t get it that it frustrates the hell out of me.  I do CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) I meditate,  I try to get enough sleep, I work on myself.  I just can’t understand  how people think. They wouldn’t ask someone with a heart disease, or diabetes to just pull up their bootstraps and stop whining.  Why do they do it to all of us sufferers?

I just want to get back into bed, I’ve been up all day, It hasn’t been a good day, I just want a little relief from being me.

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7:36 am on a Sunday

Well, it’s early.  Especially for me, on a weekend day.  It’s early, and I’m already completely overwhelmed.  I have too much stimuli coming in and my daughter isn’t even up yet.  The dishes were piled high, the cat was yowling, which normally doesn’t phase me, but this morning I want to crawl back in bed, for the entire day and avoid everything.
     Yesterday was my husband’s only day off on the weekend, he’ll get another at some point through the week, so we went to town to get him some things for work, and I needed a couple things. I needed yarn to crochet up a baby blanket for my friend’s baby that will be along soon. And it was all too much.  We got home, and my poor husband had to shovel our van out of a snowbank, I had to make dinner, and we both had groceeies to put away. Too much!
   Now it’s Sunday morning, my husband is at work and I need a vacation from my head.
   My daughter just got up, as I was writing this, so now at least I can get a hand from her in tidying her things up off the dining table. My daughter is nine, and while there are times when it’s just overload, overload, she is a great help.
    
     Speaking of my daughter, I’m overwhelmed, but never enough so that I can’t brag about her.  She’s been writing stories lately, and I may be biased, but they’re good. Well written, well thought out.

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Here’s a couple photos of one story.

     Soooo…..
     The house is vacuumed, load of laundry on the go, and now I am free for the day.
     All that accomplished and I still want to go back to bed and hide….
     I need to book a vacation for my head!   I’m tired!

Stressed Quite Nicely

Well, I’m stressed to the max. My poor husband is at work not being helped by the person that the company he works for, hired her to do. 
      My husband spent 12 hours at work yesterday, he works on a commercial farm, got home at 11pm, and was back at work by 6am.  There’s an hour drive each way for him to get there and back.  The woman they hired to help him lives 10 minutes away and won’t spend a single second past her usual quitting time.
     I know, I am not one to speak, my moods sometimes have me sherking responsibility, and maybe this woman is suffering something similar, but when it comes to work, I may not like going, or doing what I need to do, but goddamn it, I damn well do it.  I would not be able to live with myself, seeing the person I was hired to help, working 4 hours later than quitting time and knowing that person had an hour drive to get back home when I only lived 10 minutes away.  I just don’t understand people.  There’s no sense of responsibility anymore. 
     End of rant!