Mixed emotions…

Have you ever gone outside when there is a warm breeze in the middle of summer at dusk?  There’s an exhilarating feeling that I get when I go out on an evening like that.  I also get that feeling from time to time when my hypomania hits. 
      Right now, at this very moment I am both relaxed, exhilarated and ready to take on anything while not wanting to do anything as it may detract from the awesome feeling I have.  I may draw today.  Sit down, listen to some music and just ride the good feeling.
       While enjoying this feeling, I am also somewhat hesitant.  Is this going to lead into something worse, will the irritation start taking over?  Right now everything that comes my way is completely captivating and interesting beyond words.  Will this continue and then peter off or will it progress into some mental hell?  For my family as much as for me.  I will enjoy this feeling, but I will remain vigilant.  I’ve not been hypomanic in a long time.  It’s an intoxicating feeling.  I have been taking my meds like clockwwork, I even have an app on my phone that nags me to take them.  Literally, it nags me until I hit the little button that says, “YES! I took the bloody things already!” 
      I must keep track of my moods, did I mention I have an app for that too?  My hypomania starts out feeling like this and quickly descends into a pit of irritation and disgust with the world. 
     I will watch myself. 


What a roller coaster…..

Last week was very trying.  Not much went right.  My daughter got in trouble at school, a kid was kicking her so she grabbed his lunch bag and inadvertantly ripped it, the mother of the kicker was overly dramatic.  I told my daughter, instead of grabbing his lunch bag she should have done something else, gone to a teacher. She agreed it wasn’t the smart choice that she chose.  I urged my daughter to apologize when she went back to school, which she did, the kicker was supposed to apologize for kicking but didn’t.  I brought this up with the mother but she was quite ok with only my daughter expressing an apology.  Guess material items are more important than people. 
       My depression has been rearing its ugly head lately and now I am dealing with my daughter saying she has no friends.  People don’t sit with her at lunch unless a teacher directs them to.  I may be biased, but my kid is a damn good kid.  She sticks up for people if there is a problem, she has no issues with helping anyone, but she still walks a lonely road.  She’s a carbon copy of her father and me.  It’s going to be a hard path.  I’m worried about her, as a mother I want to make it alright.  I want to fix everything.  There are some things the kids themselves have to do though.  I can complain to other parents, but that’ll likely ostracize her even further. 
      There’s too much going on.  My child is lonely, although she has friends here when she’s at home, it’s not the same as having someone to hang with while at school. My depression is back, I’m trying to cope.  I am at the moment waiting to be able to see my psychologist again.  I need that.  Not too far away, but at the same time it feels like it’s taking an eternity.  I’m tired.  I just want to go to bed and not deal with anything.  But that’s not realistic if you are alive.  Society doesn’t care when someone is having an emotionally, mentally hard time.  There’s no scars to see, so it’s not real.  But for those of us that are wiped and exhausted by even the most minute detail in life, it is almost impossible to keep going. And yet we do, how I’m not sure, but we do.