My mood has continued to dive down. I am in the stage now where all I want to do is curl up in my bed and watch the world go by. I am not however giving into that. So far! I am able to come up to meet people, and be pleasant, I haven’t lost that yet, but I don’t want to if I don’t have to. I’m mentally tired.
As a result, I am drawing a (hopefully) new series. I am doing a group of drawings around depression… I will attempt to make it positive in some respect.
This is what I have so far…
Mood has descended. It’s like I can feel my mind seizing up. It’s becoming less flexible and handling everyday tasks is getting to be very overwhelming. Little things that ordinarily don’t fizz me are driving me mad. Trying to work is almost impossible. I need a break from my own head.
As a person who suffers from mental illness, Mr. William’s death has hit close to home. I have been in situations that I nearly lost the battle as well. I hope you have now found the peace you have been needing Mr. Williams.
I’ve started drawing again. I decided to draw two of the most upbeat guys I could think of. Jamie and Adam from Mythbusters….
I’ve had some really good weeks with my mood. I will not lie to anyone about that. I have enjoyed my moods lately. But the last few days I feel like my feet are getting a little heavier. Like I’m wading through thick mud to get anything done. My head feels like it’s swimming through this mud too. Maybe it’s fall coming, maybe it’s my husband going back to work, (I really don’t want him to, but life is…) or maybe it’s just me having some mental down time. I am finding that doing household chores; while normally hard to get myself motivated to do them, lately it’s a monumental task. Dishes…. who are we kidding, you probably heard me screaming from fear of them all the way from where you are. I started drawing and painting again… I go in spurts. I’ll draw and paint like mad and then lose all steam. Well, I’m picking up steam in that regard, but in all other avenues of life, I feel drained and colourless. I just want to roll back over and not get out of bed.
It’ll pass, it always does, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not a bitch to get through while it’s happening. I just feel tired and weary. Words I use often when my depression rears it’s ugly head.
I’m also not looking forward to my daughter going back to school. It’ll mean she’s away all day, and I have to make lunches, and I have to get up early in the morning…. ahhhhh!! I’m not sure when I signed up for this adult thing, but I want a chance to rethink this through… I’m not cut out to be an adult or a responsible parent for that matter. I fake it as I go. Somehow it all seems to click into place, but I am still a teenager in my head… rocking out to Nirvana in my plaid shirt…. BOOM! I’m 35 and a parent, a business owner…. (sure it’s tattoos, but even that feels like work these days!) and I have to be a wife… y’know, like cooking supper (which I will say, when I can make some exotic foods, I am all over that!), cleaning the house, getting back to school supplies. I just want to head back to bed. Turn the lights out and pretend no one is home. I’m tired.
But instead I will get my paintings gathered up, to put in some local talent exhibitions. I will get some things put together so I can go hang out at a local fair and show people my drawings and draw while I talk to them. My daughter, aka, Accomplice, is going with me to keep me company. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be this kid’s mom!?!?! She’s freaking awesome!! And yet I feel tired…. cue the guilt too….
I will come out swinging. I will defeat my weariness. I will make sure that I am 100% present for my family. It’ll just take a little tlc.
Remember everyone…. treat yourselves with kindness!! We all need love from ourselves as well as others!!