Battle Cries

As the weather begins to get colder in the Northern hemisphere, Christmas decor, with earlier than ever presence, begins to spark thoughts of sugar plums and greeting protocols alike. 
     I am of the mind that I really don’t have much preference of how others greet me, as long as I’m not being called an arse, I am quite content.
     For a few years now there has been debate raging, regarding the use of ‘Merry Christmas’ or ‘Happy Holidays,’ they are seen as being at odds with one another and unable to be reconciled in the hearts and minds of those using and hearing these phrases.
     I personally don’t believe there is a war on God with these miniscule utterings. 
     When I think “war on”… I think, war on terrorism, something with a little more umph!  War on prejudice, war on racism as well.
      War on Christmas, or war on Christianity, is a little bit self absorbed in my opinion.  Is Christianity the only possible belief system that is taking a hit with distaste of he masses? Try being an atheist!!
      A couple hundred years ago Christianity was it. It was the be all, end all.  Should you live in places that embraced Christianity, you were shit out of luck to believe anything not handed down by doctrine.  Many men and women found the cold grave due to something as personal as holding their own values and beliefs.  There was no wiggle room for atheism and science was certainly frowned upon. How many scientists of the day were imprisoned or killed because they dared propose the the idea that the earth was not the centre of the universe?  My guess is, quite a few. 
     Eventually science started to grab a foothold.  People started realizing that killing scientists and unbelievers was a ‘not so cool’ tactic.
     As science began to make some pretty good arguments, people began using the newfound technology to help save people’s lives.  Science brought in a new era of medical assistance, food safety, heck, hygiene.  Cars were developed, tv, you name it. 
      My point is, Christianity has been in the spotlight for centuries, just because a few folk don’t care to follow that particular path, does not indicate a war on Christianity.  It doesn’t utter a battle cry on Jesus.  Christianity has had its way for centuries, why is there no room for those of us who do not share your beliefs?  Are we so worthless without the belief in God that we can’t utter a different greeting come Christmas time?   The only option is the Christian option? Case closed?
      I believe that we all have our rights to use the greetings of our choice, without it being perceived as an attack to your personal dignity, or that of your Lord.  When I say Happy Holidays to someone, I am not running around behind them to stick the ol’ well known knife in their back.  I’m not kicking their shins and telling them they are stupid for their beliefs.  So why can’t I be given the same respect and not be seen as an evil demon for using a simple phrase that differs from yours.  It’s not an attack on your person.  Take it as it’s meant to be… A holiday greeting!
     Let us not forget that there are other belief systems out there who share similar-ish holiday seasons, Jewish celebrations for instance overlap with Christian holidays.  We don’t seem to hear much fuss from them that we’re attacking their rights and personal, deeply held beliefs.  It’s extremely hard to hear of anyone voicing distaste when encountering a Jewish person and receiving a greeting from them that is not Christian based.   Why is it us atheists are not given the same respect? 
     It’s a simple greeting folks, pick your battles. 


Can’t think

Mood is fluctuating a lot lately.  One minute I’m up and care free, taking care of everything, the next, I want to crawl into a small dark closet and hide from life. 
      My mood has given me the desire to rip my life to shreds and say ‘fuck it!’ to the world. My mood has given me moments of empathy.  My mood has given me the need to hide.
     Irritability and rage are my signs of hypo mania.  I have lost my temper more than I like in the last few weeks.
    I’ve also been brought to tears by little, tiny, insignificant life occurrences. 
      My depression is ringing my bell and rage keeps me on my toes.  Too tired to care, but rowdy enough I could act out. 
     Back to my feeling of wondering about stepping in front of a log truck as it roars through the community.
     Eating, which is usually an issue (over doing it) is swaying in the other direction this time. I don’t feel like eating. Just hand me a bed. 
     I’m sucking the life out of my world. 
      But I’m still keeping up appearances.    I’m not that far gone yet. 
    I’m fighting.  But I’m exhausted.

Pour some more on me!!

I can’t take anymore stress. My depression is in full gear, my hypomania is also going strong, I have people wanting me to do more and more work for them, for only a small fee, my neighbour is going on Facebook complaining about my father instead of taking the problem to him directly, and dragging my fucking ass into it as though I am my fuck up father’s keeper. I want to be done with it. I want out.


Woke up yesterday and was fine.  Got the house tidied, sat down and did some reading.  I am exploring different religions.  Quite interesting.  I used to be a Christian but am now an atheist.  I find learning about religion fascinating though,

Around dinner time last night I started to notice I wasn’t feeling well.  After dinner I was worse.  My daughter wanted to play a board game, which I did, but I wasn’t by any means jovial while I did. Last night was the last night for our archery get togethers.  I knew I should go, I love archery and this would be the last chance before the summer shows up, but I couldn’t.  I knew I would just ruin it for everyone else.  So I stayed home.  I didn’t do much.  I went to bed… early. I meditated, I read… I went to sleep.

This morning getting out of bed was the hardest it’s been in forever.  The only reason I did was because I felt bad that I was not hanging out with my daughter,
I’m moody, I’m not happy and I’m not doing well.  This has been coming and going lately.  I put it off as being winter and getting S.A.D. but I don’t know.  I am just stuck.

Monday night my husband and I are going out for the first time in 3 years… and I don’t want to go.  Not because I don’t want to be with him, I love him with all of my heart… I just don’t want to be around other people.  I want to hide.  I’m close to tears just writing that.  I want nothing to do with people.  I want to be left alone.  I don’t want to be responsible for anything or anyone.  I want to hide.

I’m trying to keep up on my meditation and breathe when I feel like this, but I’m losing.  I had an appointment with my psychologist, but she had to cancel. Now I’m worried that she’s ok, as she NEVER cancels an appointment.

I’m trying to motivate myself and interact with others.  It’s not working. If I could go hide for the rest of my life I would do it in a heartbeat.  I’m emotionally and mentally tired.  Exhausted. I don’t know what to do.

Hypo-mania – be forewarned, I am using some expletives in this post.

I woke up this morning and was immediately in a bad mood.  I hit the low end of the scale at 6am.  Where to go from there?
I am so totally overwhelmed with rage, it’s terrifying and makes me annoyed that I am in this mood, only to have my mood degrade even more from the annoyance that I am in this mood.

I’m not articulate today, I just want to be left alone.  I need quiet, I need to meditate, I need to cry.  Depression is bad but I’d almost be willing to wager that the rage is worse, god help me if they both show up on my doorstep at the same time.  Being in a mixed mood is dangerous, the depression makes you want to do something drastic and the rage gives you the energy and reason to carry it out to the end.  I’ve been there before.  I am scared of myself during those periods.  I just fantasize about stepping out in front of a truck and finding relief.

The anger is almost uncontrollable at times, and during those times, I go hide so that I’m not affecting anyone else.  I try to.  Sometimes it acts like a fucking rogue and comes from behind and stabs you.

I have been faithfully taking my Respiradone. It’s an anti-psychotic med.  I really wouldn’t want to see me if I wasn’t on meds.  Of course, I probably wouldn’t be here typing this if I didn’t have my meds, I wouldn’t be able to endure that. It’s like you’re suffocating from the weight of your mood.

The worst part of this, I think, is that I have nothing but my illness that I can blame. When people hear that it’s due to mental illness, you get that look, that look that says, “well try a little harder!! Lazy bones!” They think it’s a cop out! An excuse to act poorly. Do they really fucking think that I enjoy this mood?  Do they think that I am doing this for attention.  If I could pull up my fucking boot straps, I think I would be the first person to get off my arse and man handle my mood, until it submitted and went the hell away. No I do not like this mood, no I don’t want attention, I’m an introvert for fucksakes.  I have 2 people in my life that understand and stand by me, my husband and my daughter.  They’ve seen me at my best and my worst.

Last month I was depressed, then I wake up today and see the other side of the beast.  I’ll admit though, it’s be 3 years since I’ve experienced this strength of a mood.  I should be thankful, and I am, but I’m ready for this to go away now.  How long do I have to endure this hellhole? I wouldn’t wish this illness on anyone, but I would like to let people take a peek inside of my head for a day.  Let them see what I go through, let them feel for a few moments the weight of this mood, the rage that seems to ooze out of every pore on me, and see that I am trying as hard as I can, it’s exhausting, trying to live with this and not snap at everyone.  People, unless they have a mental illness, just don’t get it.  I mean it’s getting better, there are more people coming out and finally talking about it, but there’s just enough people that don’t get it that it frustrates the hell out of me.  I do CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) I meditate,  I try to get enough sleep, I work on myself.  I just can’t understand  how people think. They wouldn’t ask someone with a heart disease, or diabetes to just pull up their bootstraps and stop whining.  Why do they do it to all of us sufferers?

I just want to get back into bed, I’ve been up all day, It hasn’t been a good day, I just want a little relief from being me.

7:36 am on a Sunday

Well, it’s early.  Especially for me, on a weekend day.  It’s early, and I’m already completely overwhelmed.  I have too much stimuli coming in and my daughter isn’t even up yet.  The dishes were piled high, the cat was yowling, which normally doesn’t phase me, but this morning I want to crawl back in bed, for the entire day and avoid everything.
     Yesterday was my husband’s only day off on the weekend, he’ll get another at some point through the week, so we went to town to get him some things for work, and I needed a couple things. I needed yarn to crochet up a baby blanket for my friend’s baby that will be along soon. And it was all too much.  We got home, and my poor husband had to shovel our van out of a snowbank, I had to make dinner, and we both had groceeies to put away. Too much!
   Now it’s Sunday morning, my husband is at work and I need a vacation from my head.
   My daughter just got up, as I was writing this, so now at least I can get a hand from her in tidying her things up off the dining table. My daughter is nine, and while there are times when it’s just overload, overload, she is a great help.
     Speaking of my daughter, I’m overwhelmed, but never enough so that I can’t brag about her.  She’s been writing stories lately, and I may be biased, but they’re good. Well written, well thought out.



Here’s a couple photos of one story.

     The house is vacuumed, load of laundry on the go, and now I am free for the day.
     All that accomplished and I still want to go back to bed and hide….
     I need to book a vacation for my head!   I’m tired!